7 micro-aggressions I face daily as Person Living with HIV

While it is World AIDS day, I wanted to share something a bit more specific to the experience of HIV positive people. This is not exhaustive and partially from my perspective as a south east asian PLHIV.

1. “How did you get it?”
   One of the first things that really gripes my nerves when people find out about my status is they ask “How did you get it”. There are extremely rude permutations of this like “Did you bareback?” and “Who gave it to you?”. At this point I don’t know if I should or need to explain why this is a very disrespectful and awkward thing to ask. Would you ask a diabetic how’d they get it? Would you need me to explain to you the smallest details of my medical history? It’s downright rude and you’re asking people to reshare what might be trauma. It would really be ok if I got asked this once ever so often but it’s almost every single time.
2. Every-time you meet the first thing you hear is “You look great!/Amazing/Healthy”.
   Valentina, your smile is beautiful! This falls into those it was well intended but comes off as a backhanded comment most of the time. Why we’re you expecting I was dead? That I’d be hospitalized? Am I not supposed to look ok? This can sometimes also appear in other formats as “You know you are so brave!” or “I don’t know what I’d do if I was in your situation”. Do you seriously tell just anyone else on the street that? Why am I brave? For just living? Its patronizing more than anything. It’s even more grating when you hear this from someone who you haven’t seen in a while, like am I supposed to look dying to you?
3. “Is that allowed? Can you drink?”.
   Look I think everyone understands that smoking is bad for you and that you should drink in moderation. We understand that but even the best of us needs to have our own ways to relax or take a chill pill and destress. I may not be smoking anymore but it’s something I’d constantly get whenever I was out for a drink with my friends. I don’t mind you and your smoking or drinking, just let me order my mojito because I’ve had a hard week’s worth and worry about yourself.
4. “Don’t over stress yourself”
   Similar to number two, it often feels like we’re being thought of us more helpless than anything else. No I didn’t ask for your opinion about what stresses me out, I get to say that. I don’t ask for special treatment, we ask for some consideration but nothing special. No, I am not weaker. No, I do not need extra breaks. No, this is not “too much” for me. I can pull my own weight.
5. Whenever you take out your pills to drink outside in public, someone has to ask “whats that?”
   Do you ask everyone what medicines they take? When you see someone take an insulin pen and inject them with insulin do you ask whats that for? When someone has to take their maintenance hypertension medication do you ask whats that? Do you really need to know everything about what I put in my body? Are you a physician that can give me advice about what I can put in my body?
6. “Have you had it for long”
   Why does it matter to you? Does it make a difference if you knew I’ve had it for 2 months 2 years or 2 decades? Will it suddenly disappear if I told you I’ve had it for more than 4 years? What’s worst about this is I heard it from an emergency room nurse when I went in for a dog bite a couple of years back and to me it made no sense why he was asking if I’ve had it for a long time. Does it change your treatment plan? Do I suddenly have to use different bandages now?
7. MY FAVORITE: “Why don’t you try applying abroad like start in Singapore”
   If I could do you think I’d still be here with every advantage I have? This is probably specific to my contexts as I work in the tech industry and live in south east asia. Year after year, I get constant advice to advance my career by going to Singapore as my stepping stone to an international career. Sure why not except year after year I have to explain that the Singaporean government won’t give me a work visa because they don’t allow long term stays for people living with HIV. This becomes even more aggrevating when you have to explain it multiple times over and over (I once had to explain it to the same girl THREE TIMES in the same group chat over the course of just a few months). You’re asking me to constantly reiterate that I’ve been limited, Held down, that I have no mobility, and repeat those same words over and over that I’m stuck? At this point it just becomes cruel.